Proverbs 27:17 NIV
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
The Bible is clear: as the body of Christ, we Christians need healthy relationships and friendships with one another. But how do we foster those connections?
If there’s one thing that’s impacted my life positively as Christian, it’s been the relationships I’ve built with other believers who are serious about their faith in the Lord.
But what I’ve found is that strong friendships don’t happen by accident. It’s like a fire. A single spark can get a fire started, but the flame is gonna die out if you don’t keep feeding it. Likewise, even if you come across the perfect friend, the connection between you two can fizzle out if you don’t consciously work to maintain it.
So what I’ve outlined here are three ingredients that I feel are essential for fostering a good Christian friendship. There are: intentionality, authenticity, and audacity.
Let’s start with the first one: intentionality. Here’s the sad news: you can’t be close friends with everybody. There’s a lot of cool people out there, but there’s only so many hours in a day. And only so many days in a week. You need to prayerfully consider which relationships you want to prioritize. Think about the people that are:
A) Earnestly pursuing Christ, and
B) Willing to invest their time into you.
Then level set with them. “Hey, I’d like to call you or meet up with you at least once a week.” I think once a week is a healthy recurring timeframe for staying connected with someone, but it’s not a strict rule.
However, Scripture says: “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:12-13 ESV).”
If we're not exhorting one another, our hearts can get hardened. So consistency in how often we meet with someone is going to breed results. You can set something like a weekly reminder on your phone or calendar to have some kind of interaction. Do whatever you need to to connect with your fellow believer on some kind of regular basis.
Next, you want to incorporate both fun and accountability in the relationship. Friendships should be fun, in that you’re doing something you both enjoy or having a conversation you both enjoy. But you also want to include a level of accountability, in that you both stir one another on to live in a way that glorifies Jesus Christ.
A balance of both fun and accountability should be in your relationship. Some interactions are going to be lighthearted and easygoing. Others are going to be more heartfelt and serious. You don't want to overemphasize one kind of interaction to the exclusion of the other.
Now the final two ingredients of a good friendship, authenticity and audacity, are going to be related to how we hold one another spiritually accountable.
Let's look at authenticity. Scripture says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective (James 5:16 NIV).”
You gotta be real. A good friend should be someone you can trust enough to confess your sins to. You don't want someone who will condemn you when you confess to them, and you also don't want someone who will dismiss your sins as no big deal. Instead, you want someone who will empathize with you, encourage you and pray for you to become better.
And this doesn't have to just stop at sins. You should be able to talk and support each other through general burdens and emotional hurdles. But don't turn this into an opportunity for gossip and whining. Scripture says: “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. (Proverbs 29:11 NIV).”
I think there's a healthy way to complain that is humble. In that you admit you feel bad because of a situation or something someone did, but you also have a desire to forgive or get your heart in the right place. This is another opportunity for your friend to offer prayer and encouragement to you. You want to be able to express frustration, but you don't want your friend to enable the sinful tendencies that come with it, like gossip, insulting, overcriticizing, swearing, etc.
Finally, a good friendship needs a level of audacity. What I mean by audacity is the willingness to speak the truth to someone in a way that is clear. This does not mean that you're harsh and hurtful with your words, but that you kindly tell the person what they need to hear for their own wellbeing. Scripture says: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1-2 NIV).”
I think too often, we avoid confronting people because we don't want to hurt their feelings. But if we're honest, we're really just trying to protect ourselves a lot of the time. It takes a selfless heart of love to be willing to tell someone the truth. If we consider someone a dear friend, don't we want to love them like that? They might take your feedback well. Or they may not. You're not trying to control or change them. But God can use your words to help them. Or sometimes, God can make it so you're the one who ends up learning and growing from the interaction.
Whatever the case may be, your friend needs your audacity. They also need your authenticity and intentionality. And you need theirs. I know relationships are not always easy. But they are worth it. And so, I'll leave you with this last bit of encouragement:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12 NIV).”
God bless you, and all praise, all honor, all glory be to God forever in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Amen and amen!
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