A friend of mine told me I have a problem with 'selective hearing.' At least... I think that's what they said. I wasn't really paying attention at the time. But it got me thinking: What if the greatest gift we could give to someone is the willingness to hear what they have to say?
Today we're gonna be talking about this incredible, top-secret life hack called… listening! I think what got my mind going in this direction was simply seeing the effect that not listening has on people. It ruins conversations. It ruins relationships. It leaves people feeling disrespected. Nothing means more to someone than when you give them the time of day. When you actually show them that you care enough to hear them out.
Now I get it. This is difficult, especially when you’re engaging with someone you disagree with. The last thing you wanna do is hear what they have to say. But the fundamental benefit of a listening ear is that it’s a way of loving someone. It's a way of showing several fruits of the Spirit – love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Almost all of those things are present when you make a concentrated effort to listen to somebody. But when you cut someone off or you listen only so you can respond, you're essentially telling the other person that you don't really care about what’s important to them. That’s insulting and a form of disrespect.
The Apostle Paul writes:
“We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.””
I believe a listening ear is something that pleases Christ, because you are literally exemplifying love by putting the other person above yourself. Even if you’re listening to someone you’re arguing with and you don't end up persuading them. Even if nothing changes as a result of the conversation, you're gonna be a lot happier that you showed someone the dignity of a listening ear than you would be if the conversation consisted of you being loud, boisterous, and rude.
And just think how much better your conversations would be if you actually listened to understand someone rather than simply listening in order to respond. You’d be less likely to judge. You’d be less likely to say something you regretted. The other person would feel heard and valued. And God would be honored, because you would be honoring someone made in His image. Jesus says: “As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:40 ESV
Now I'm gonna be upfront with you. Being a good listener is not necessarily gonna help you resolve problems and disagreements right away. But here's the thing: You're not gonna resolve problems if you just talk and force yourself to be heard either. However you go about it, working through issues with someone takes time. So you might as well do it the right way rather than the fleshly way, because the fleshly way is just gonna build walls between you and the person you’re trying to help.
Now what if it’s not an argument you’re having, but just someone who’s telling you about a difficult situation they’re facing? Well, I’m a problem-solver. So my immediate instinct is to give someone advice when they’re pouring their heart out to me. But the thing is: people usually don’t want to be lectured. They’re not always needing a solution. They just need to be heard. They just need their feelings validated.
So this is where listening takes on a new layer: empathy. You listen and try to feel what the other person is feeling. Because more than any solution or advice you might give someone, the best thing you can do is just be there for them. Be there with them. Validate what they're feeling by agreeing with them on the difficulty of their situation.
Now to be clear: there is space for you to give advice. There is space to give feedback. Part of being a good friend is being audacious. But just don't be so quick to give advice before you've had a chance to listen. When you've truly heard someone, you're able to give feedback from more of a tender place. From a place of understanding. The saying has a lot of truth to it, “people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care”.
And then here’s another important thing to remember: there is a God that can truly help someone during their trial, and you are not Him. So when you get the chance to have a meaningful conversation with a struggling friend, you’re simply there to be an instrument in God’s hands. You wanna be in a place mentally where you're fully submitted to God and seeking to glorify Him. Because when you speak to your friend under the influence of the Holy Spirit, it's gonna bless your friend, but if you're going at it purely from your own will or from the flesh, you may get it right, but you might also get it very wrong.
And I know some situations can trigger pretty strong emotions within us. Getting back to the topic of conflict, I’m a pretty opinionated person myself. Sometimes I just wanna “let the other person have it!” But that’s why Scripture says: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19–20 ESV
How many times have you just said something in the spur of the moment and regretted it? How many times has your “righteous indignation” led to someone being indignant with you? It’s okay to step away from a conflict. It’s okay to say, “Hey, let’s take a time-out so I can process this before I come back to this conversation”. It's generally not wise to talk to someone or make decisions when you're under a flurry of emotions. But when you've taken your emotions to the Lord, that can help give you wisdom and clarity. It can take your heart back to the right place, so that way, you can speak words of peace and gentleness to your friend.
And here’s the best part of all! When you pour out your heart to God, God will listen to you and give you the time of day!
“When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 ESV
God is the best listener out there and the best friend you can have as a Christian! So get in the habit of spending time with Him and pouring your heart out to Him. It will only make you a better friend and a better listener toward others.
Now before we wrap things up we need to address one last question: “When is it appropriate to NOT listen to someone?” As shocking as it may seem, after everything I’ve said up to this point, there are some things that you should not listen to.
An easy one is abuse. You do not have to take abuse from someone if they’re being insulting and demeaning to you. You have the right to step away from a toxic conversation. Same thing if someone’s being a bad influence, or feeding you things that are spiritually dangerous. Or maybe someone wants to have a heavy conversation and you’re not in a healthy headspace to receive it. Sometimes, it’s okay to say, “Sorry, I’m just not in a good place to talk about this right now.”
Now a trickier situation is if your friend is complaining about another person when talking to you. You don’t want to enable toxicity, at least not if your friend is a Christian. If they’re expressing honest frustration, that’s okay. But you don’t wanna enable bitterness, hatred, slander, etc. So if that happens, hear them out. Empathize with them. But then when you get the chance to speak, redirect the conversation.
For example: “Hey, I totally understand. I’m on your side. But I also noticed you veering into what sounded like gossip. Let’s focus on how you’re feeling as opposed to how bad the other person is.” Or you can be more subtle: “I’m so sorry they made you feel that way. Why don’t we bring this to the Lord in prayer?” There’s various ways to redirect a conversation, but you wanna do it tenderly so your friend doesn’t feel like they’re getting shut down or feel like they’re not getting validated. But, still say something, because at the end of the day, you want the conversation to be honoring to Christ.
Now there are other people you might encounter who may not be saying anything negative, but they might just ramble on and on incessantly. So sometimes it’s okay to cut in and be like, “Yeah, that’s awesome (yada, yada, yada)” and then change the topic. Or, “Thanks for sharing that. And I’m sorry, but I do have something to attend to.” But just make sure you don't do this rudely or too quickly. Give the person the proper amount of respect and attentiveness before you bring a conversation to a close.
And then finally, if you’re in a position of spiritual authority, you have the right to intervene when false teaching is being presented. Paul writes: “There are many who are insubordinate, empty talkers and deceivers [...] They must be silenced, since they are upsetting whole families by teaching for shameful gain what they ought not to teach.” Titus 1:10–11 ESV
This is important if you’re a pastor. If false teaching is being spread, you gotta speak up and say, “Sorry, but we don’t believe that or teach that here.” But of course, as the Apostle Peter writes: “do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience”.
And with that, I wanna close by saying this: it’s very difficult to become good listeners without God. We need His grace, because in and of ourselves, we tend to be impatient. In and of ourselves, we tend not to show grace. But God can help us and change us. And I believe that if we're in the Bible, if we're meditating on love and the fruits of the Spirit, if we’re asking God to change us, then we can change. We can become more patient. We can become more empathetic. And we can become good listeners. So let’s pray together right now!
Lord, teach us to love. Teach us to listen. Teach us to put our neighbor above ourselves. May we please you in showing forth Jesus in our conversations and interactions. We ask for your blessing today and declare all praise, all honor, all glory be to God forever in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Amen and Amen!
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
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